08 October 2013

Queen Elizabeth II "Letter to the US"

My cousin found this somewhere. . . How funny!   (I did not make it up, but I did take some parts out)

In a fit of anger her majesty Queen Elizabeth II issued the following letter to the citizens of the Unites States of America.          

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.  (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without need for further elections.  Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra"; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you find you simply can not cope with correct pronunciation.  Then look up "aluminum" and check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour", "favour", "neighbour".  Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters.

3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary").  Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

4. There is no such thing as "US English".  We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account ot the reinstated letter "u".

5. You will relearn your original national anthem to, "God Save the Queen", but only after fully carrying out task #1 (see above).

6. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you are not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse.  If you are not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you are not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot a grouse.

8. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous that a vegetable peeler.  A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

9. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are worthless and this is for your own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.   At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

11. The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") of roughly $10/US Gallon.  Get used to it.

12. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup, but with malt vinegar.

13.  Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

14. You will cease playing "American Football.  There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call will call soccer, and the other rugby.  Those of you brace enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds).

15. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket.

16. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It has been driving us mad.

17. An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with your shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

18. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Thank you for your cooperation.

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